self-preservation




Assalamualaikum readers. 

i look up the dictionary and found the meaning of freedom, which means not being under control; being able to do whatever you want. 

well, obviously i dont think i have that one. freedom. i think, i'm like a prisoner in the house. i uh, i'm not locked up or cuffed. it's just, i dont get the chance to do things that i want. the obvious thing that i want the most in my life is, i want to go out, hang out with my friends freely like i'm a bird that flies free to the world. going anywhere, and do whatever i want with no hesitation.

i want to be like other normal girls. like my other girlfriends. they can just leave the house without having to tell their parents, or at least, they dont have to experience breath-taking moment like i always did everytime i talk to abah for permission to go out. it's freaking the hell out of me, just to say it. telling him that i'm going out, hanging out with some friends, and i'll be home as soon as possible. 

he'll ask thousands of questions which i think unnecessary. oh, come on! i'm 21 years old. i can take care of myself and you know that very well. i know how to behave, what to do and what not to do. if i cant take care of myself and if you dont trust me, you wont let me go and study away from home, away from you from the very beginning. i've been away from house right after spm for my foundation year in shah alam. it was my first time ever. and in 2008, i moved to sintok for my degree year and yet, here i am. nothing has changed. i am still me, the old me.

you never know how hard it is for me to come up with LAME excuses to not accepting any of my friend's invitation to meet up every single time. please, dont get me wrong. the era of rebelion has passed, yearssss ago. and i can't remember if i had done any. and as for now, all i ever wanted is to be a good daughter, a grateful one and thus, i never say 'no' for anything that he wants me to do. not even once. i obey him because i'm his daughter. 

i'm not complaining. i just want to express this feeling because i wanted so hard to accept that this is the fact of my life, my pathetic life. i'm 21 and i'm still under my father's control, because he loves me and he wants the best for me and he did this just for the sake of protecting me. i want you to know that i'm your daughter that will never turn my back on you and disobey you, forever. 



this is not pathetic. this is not pathetic. tell me people, my life is not pathetic.

p/s : i fought hard with my feeling and i consider this entry as uh, i'm having the hard time of my life.

p/s/s : Happy Birthday, Muhammad Ikhwan bin Zulkefli! :) 

it's me, little ain~

10 peeps' gossiping:

Abesa007 said...

he just loves you..thats all :)

little ain said...

yea, i know. that's what i keep saying to myself.

thank you :)

B I E Y said...

huhu,kita serupa!xde kwn kat hometown sbb ssh nak keluar.so,holiday je mmg spent time ngn family. tp xpa,utk kebaikan kita jgk kan *hug u* :)

little ain said...

betol betol biey! :)

at least nanti dah balek uum, takde la sebok nak menyesal sebab tak spent time dengan family, kan.

heeeee

*big hug*

Judiene said...

Hey there.
You know, the relationship between a father and his daughter is wayyyy complicated yet special than a father and his son.
To me, there's a time when you feel your dad is overprotecting you, and there's a time you feel like you need that attention so bad.
Well, now you're home, I suggest why don't you spend as much time as there is to be with your family.
I mean after this you'll be leaving for college and perhaps you'll regret for not spending time with the people you love the most.
Just something to think about.

:)

little ain said...

hye!

actually, i'm not type of girl yang suka nak hang out. now i'm home for a month. dan dalam sebulan ni, sekaliiii je tau nak keluar and see my friends. tu pon sangat payah. seriously.

i love to be home. i do. i cant wait to go home everytime. and abah always wants me to be here right after i finished my papers. and i did that. i didnt get the chance to spend my time not even for one day after my finals. let alone going for holiday or do some travelling.

it's just once in a month. my friends and i, we're not studying in the same university. and we live far from each other. so, i need that one precious day for myself.

i hope you get it, what i'm trying to say. i'm happy at home because we do spend a lot of quality time together.

thank you btw :)

hayatul amira said...

sometimes hang out with family is wayyy better then friends.
kalau dengan family kita akan feel secure saja ..

little ain said...

you don't get what i'm trying to tell you, honey.

it's complicated. you don't know how it feels when you can't even go outside. and to do so, you need to prepare thousands of concrete reasons.

Judiene said...

I see.
You know what, I think the last bit of my previous comment is unnecessary.
Hehehe.

little ain said...

heee :D

it's okay. i understand what you were trying to say. and i do a lot of thinking about what you told me, and it was true. i should not complain at the very first place.

:)